LIVING ITALIAN - by Lygia

Ramses - My Guardian Angel

The return of ME ... writing. Good Lord.... dah lama banged ngga nulis. Geez the last time I posted sumthin' was 20 of January, 4 days after my beloved ''son'' dead.

Indeed, aku jatuh ke dalam dukacita yang dalam. I stop everything, I mean... someting great loss made you fell deep down into the labyrinth of your sadness. Believe me, I stil am crying sometimes when I throw my eyes at my Ramses' room, the corner where he used to sleep... and even now, I'm typing these phrases while crying...

I don't think I am recovering already from my loss of my beloved dog.

Stil, life goes on. Ramses is always alive in my mind. He even sometimes came in my dreams and I noticed, he appears in dream as if my amulet, to warn me that I'm gonna face a sad or bad thing in my next days, as if he wants to warns me and yet to let me know that; I am not alone. For example, when I had a big terrible fight with Giuseppe for I re-entering my depression, days before I dreamt of Rams watching me from a top of the hill while I was down there laying immobile cuased an accident. Rams barking a lot from the top of the hill, but I can't hear it sounds and I trying to drag my injured body over the top avoiding the crashes of my car. I raised my one hand to Rams for I can't make it anymore to move, Rams watching me turning off myslef, loosing my consiousness. The end of my dream. And some days after, me and Giuseppe had our big fight where I re-enter the dark times in my life I have been passed through safely years ago.

Was my dream is the sign of my guardian dog? I don't know... what I know, everytime I dreamt about Ramses, something sad happened to my sentimental relationship. Stil, I stil am staying with Giuseppe, the man who made my life facing infinity sentimental and psycological turbulences. Perhaps, it's a way from my unconsciousness to be able to see my dog again, eventhough it's only in a dream.  

R.I.P - In Loving Memory --- RAMSES

Ramses akhirnya mati pada hari Sabtu tgl 16 January yang lalu.

I did not expected that he's gone so soon although, I knew that one day the time has come caused of his linfoma cancer drain in his blood cells... stil, I haven't prepared myself at all to face his death. My Ramses...

It took me some days to be able to accept that my child is gone... forever. Also now I'm writing this I stil can't help to hold up my tears.

He died at 3:15am, by an collasso a.k.a heart attack, in my arms... he's just turned into a skeleton caused of this tumor, just a walking skin and bones, but he indeed stil be vivacity, ate his food although he threw it sometimes after, happy when I took him outside for walk, making compliments, making me ''upset'' with his capricious... his ''giandole'' on his neck indeed seems like diminuity... I really really really hoped that he could stay alive at least til six months term the vet had told me. If he could awaits for me til I came back home to Italy for 3 weeks, why can't he resist until 6 months ahead wit all his vivacity and will to live? SThe tuth is, I started to mount my hopes on him... I treated him as if no death will come after my little child (probably I was wrong in this part) for I keep yelled at him when he feces and pissing in his room.... and he indeed kept groaned at me when I showed a menacing gesture towards him. An aggressivity which a collateral eccess of his sickness.

I did not expect that day come so soon... I woke up sudden at 2:45am. Rams was sleeping (o just watching me asleep) on my feet over my blanket. I let him sleep on my feet for sometimes when finally after awhile I felt annoyed by his weight on my feet. I shoosh him. He doesn't want to jump off the bed. There when he started to made a choking sounds, as if he wanted to vomit. I jump out from my bed, trying to make him outta of it to avoid him vomitting over. He understood my gesture for he jump off from the bed too and walk in his room where he used to sleep. Sadly, I went back to bed trying to get my sleep again. After 5 minutes, I heard Rams making the sounds this time is louder... I started to preoccupied on this situation for I went to his room and there... I saw him lying in a strange position with a heavy breath. I thought he need some water for I tried to invite him to bide for get some drink, but he won't move at all. He seemed doesn't even know I am there. I don't know what to do, I was confised analyzing what might happening to my dog, for I just kneeling beside him, calling his name, caressing him from head to toe, touching him here and there by keep calling his name and talking... repeating the same phares and words... Ramses... Honey... What do you feel... Ramses... what do you feel baby... I'm here.... I'm here.... Ramses.... We're staying in that moment for about 5 minutes and for the last minute Rams made his groans, this time a long groans and streched his 4 feet. I held his head trying to make his breathe... but it's no use... no use at all... He's dying. His eyes keep opened. I freezed into time. Watched him. For about 2 minutes I stil freezed. Rams freezed too. No sounds, no groans, no movement not aven a small one on his chest nor belly. And as if the black blanket of death covering me, I suddenly unfrozed, calling Rams by name, put my finger under his nose, under his neck, no sign of air, no sign of pulse. My baby died. His tonque stick on the pavement and his saliva drains out. Ramses is gone. My Baby died.

I kneeled stil for sometimes, when finally some minutes passed and Rams' body become hard, I start to cry my tears. I know not a thing to do other than cry and stay closed with my dead baby in my arms until 4:00am before I covered his cold corpse with the blanket. He's gone forever and for good.

Goodbye my Loving child, My Loyal Friend, My Lovely Man, My Guardian Angel, My Dog, My Ramses.... 

A LOVING SINNER

Yesterday for the first time I went to my Lover's place of work. For the next 4 hours I practicaly stay with him accompanied my man working. Prepared him the coffè, served the pastis, as any good little wife does to her man.
It is so touching to know that he really wanted me to be a part of his life. In his real EVERYDAY live. Now it is not enough anymore to every single day talk thru phone for hours just because we can't see eachother as often as we wanted, it is not enough anymore those secrets rendevouz either long hours, to be able trasferring our missingness physically or those short times meet up only for look into each other eyes while we're saying I Love You one to another. Now he wanted me to know where he spends mostly of his 8 hours. And to conclude the circle yesterday he also promised me; ''Next time I'll show you where I live'', after he showed me the variety of fotos of him and his family.

How powerful that four letter which composed together as a word, Love. To be honest, as I open my heart as wide as heaven's gate, to cast aside my acute egoism, to confess my deepest emotion, I feel light as a feather. Now I have no more barrier in my tonque, that word came out naturally. And when I said it a smile always painted on my face. And my Premium prize is the sparkling eyes of my Lover. It is so lovely. Lovely to see his loving eyes whe he gazed at mine, where we stand stil for pair of seconds, heard him pronounced the exact same thing with his heavy voice. It's like a choir of Cherubins to my ears. Good Lord, for long I have been waiting for be able to say this word to someone who deserved and received back equal. When the time was come, I felt so relieved.

When I finally got on my bed this 4.30am in the morning, I realized, I probably had committed the biggest mistake in my life, to let myself falling into love to a man whom I probably can't have... but I am conscious, if this mistake could gifted me this beautiful feeling I will go on with it, further more, aware for the pain I might gain.

Una Perfetta Dichiarazione d'Amore

Se oggi t'l'ho detto;

Io non ti voglio bene

ma
Ti voglio tanto tanto ma tanto bene.

Io non ti amo
ma
Resterai sempre nel mio cuore come un uomo più amorevole che ho conosciuto.

Lo sai, mi ''diverto'' farti arrabbiare, perchè così almeno so quanto mi tieni. a volta la tua rabbia (che hai fatto sempre bene a nasconderlo davanti me) mi fa accorgere quanto ti voglio bene e la tua gelosia (anche qui sei tanto bravo ad oscurarla) mi fa eccitare.
 
Sappi che, finchè ho te come il mio Guardiano, non vado MAI oltre con altri uomini che mi corteggieranno (credo che dopo quel Argentino, nel futuro ci spunteranno altri. pazienza... sono così irresistibile, no?) perchè avrei sempre pensare a te prima di fare cose che possa farti sentire ferito. Dunque, abbi fede di me. Credimi con tutto tuo cuore.

Ti voglio tanto bene, Amore mio.

Tua Topina

EVIL WITHIN

Dua kata diatas berdentam2 dikepalaku sejak terakhir, sekitar 3 jam yang lalu kututup flip cellularku mengakhiri pembicaraan telematik antara aku dan dia, kekasih gelapku. Kekasih gelapku, siapa sebenarnya yang pantas menyandang status kekasih gelap diantara kita berdua? Aku, karena dia menyelingkuhi istrinya? Atau dia, karena aku mengkhianati lelaki yang sebenarnya lebih pantas untuk kutasbihkan sebagai Kekasih? Dalam bahasa Indonesia susah sekali mendapatkan padanan kata untuk meng-ekspresikan Kekasih Gelap dan Kekasih. L'Amante dalam bahasa asing tidak kudapatkan padanan katanya dalam bahasa Indonesia begitu juga halnya dengan Lover. Mungkin, karena dalam kebudayaan Asia tidak dibenarkan adanya lelaki lain ataupun wanita lain didalam kehidupan berpasangan, baik itu belum menikah ataupun sesudah menikah. Kebudayaan Asia yang sublim. Kebudayaan Asia yang berdasarkan ke-Tuhanan. Wanita dan Pria diciptakan untuk berpasangan. Pasangan yang telah dipersiapkan oleh Tuhan, wanita yang diciptakan dari tulang rusuk sang lelaki, dimana pada waktunya nanti, sang Pria akan dipertemukan dengan iga-nya yang hilang. Dan mereka akan hidup berdampingan hingga umur berujung dan hayat menjelang. Itulah gambaran sempurna yang diinginkan Tuhan saat Penciptaan. Tuhan tidak merencanakan adanya orang ketiga didalam kehidupan berpasangan. Iblis-lah yang memporak-porandakan rencana Allah. Dan Iblis berhasil dengan gemilang lewat lidahnya yang berbisa merayu Hawa di Taman Firdaus untuk menipu Adam, mengkhianati Tuhan. Benih dari segala rayuan Iblis tersemai dan berakar didalam hati manusia yang setelah mendapatkan hukuman akan pengkhianatan mereka terhadap sang Maha, terbuka matanya akan dunia lain di luar Firdaus Allah, ... Bumi sang Iblis.
Dosa.
Manusia dalam sepanjang waktu hidupnya tidak akan pernah terbebas dari Dosa. Kita hidup didalamnya. Kita hidup dengannya. Sebab kita adalah benih dari dosa. Dan kita mencarinya. menikmatinya. kemudian menderita karenanya.
Tetapi lewat Dosa jualah manusia kembali kepada Tuhan-nya. Sebab bila kita tidak berbuat dosa kita tidak akan pernah tahu dan belajar mana yang benar untuk dilakukan dan mana yang salah untuk dihindarkan. Tuhan, dengan bijak-nya mengajarkan manusia lewat dosa yang diperbuatnya. Selebihnya, tergantung dari si manusia sendiri, apakah dia mampu menyadari kesalahannya dan kembali ke jalan yang ditunjukkan Tuhan, atau ... menikmati perbuatannya dan berpegang pada tangan hangat sang Iblis.
Saat ini aku berada diantara rentang dosa dan cinta. saint and sinner.
Kemungkinan besar aku jatuh cinta pada lelaki yang pada waktu yang lampau di masa hidupnya berjanji sehidup semati dengan wanita yang dipilih untuk menjadi pendamping hidupnya. waktu bergulir. cinta yang pernah ada itu punah. yang tinggal setelah 7 tahun membina rumah tangga adalah tinggal kebiasaan akan keberadaan satu dengan yang lain. Bukan dasar yang cukup kuat untuk saling kembali mencintai. Tidak juga ketika lahir sang penerus nama Ayah. Dan Iblis melihat peluang yang menganga lebar diantara pasangan yang telah disekutukan Tuhan namun sayangnya telah kehilangan cinta yang mempersatukan mereka.
Apakah pantas mempersalahkan sang Iblis?  
Iblis hanya sosok yang pandai memanfaatkan peluang. Yang patut dipersalahkan hanyalah manusia yang sedia adanya mengikuti jalan sang Malaikat Hitam.
Tetapi, apakah salah bila manusia mencari cinta yang hilang? Bukankah cinta asalnya adalah dari Tuhan? Dan bila kita mencari cinta yang hilang bukankah itu artinya kita juga mencari kasih Tuhan? Terlepas dari dimana kita mendapatkan cinta itu lagi. Entah dari seorang yang sudah beristri atau wanita yang telah bersuami. Saat cinta itu dibiaskan dalam segala bentuk pernyataan kata maupun pemetaan fisik dan psikis, bukankah pada akhirnya kita juga menemukan Tuhan didalamnya?
Menemukan Tuhan diantara nafas sang Iblis. Menemukan cinta dalam dosa. It is not so wrong at the end.
Dan sejujurnya, aku menikmati setiap detik saat kita bersama, ada kalanya tanpa nafsu, ada saatnya penuh hasrat, ada waktunya hanya diam bersama dalam keheningan.

Kita adalah manusia yang ditakdirkan untuk jatuh ke dalam dosa agar dapat belajar kembali kepada Tuhan-nya. And I am in that moment now. And honestly, I am glad to find me in this situation and having Lucif as my handbrake for guide me right ahead to my God ; LOVE.